Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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