Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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