I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
