Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
