hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
