We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
