The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
