Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
