if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
