I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
