I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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