My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
