you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
