I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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