Can i not drive my cunt home
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
