i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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