pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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