I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
