I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
