Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
