I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
