I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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