she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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