I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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