Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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