I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
