Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
