He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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