omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
