I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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