My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
