Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
