my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
