it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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