I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
