Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
