I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
