I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
