dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
