Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
