guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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