My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
