my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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