a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
nut hugger
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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