went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
