it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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