just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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