So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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