Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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