i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
