He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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